Chomping away, Ralph swallowed handful after handful of pickles. The savory treat kept him full while he binged the daytime T.V. series “Judge Gucci.” The pickles in the jar dwindled until it was suddenly empty; that’s when he cried out to the kitchen, “SANDY, I AM OUT OF PICKLES AND ICE CREAM!”
He scratched the belly hair atop his exploding stomach and could feel a sudden unexpected kick from beneath his skin.
Their following words were spoken simultaneously as Sandy stepped into the living room. “You’re pregnant, Ralph, not invalid! Get it yourself. I have to go to work.” She screamed while Ralph whispered, “it’s moving. Life is so beautiful, isn’t it?”
Her hands crossed as if she was guarding the kitchen and the food on the other side.
“Okay, I love you,” Ralph said as he held his back and wobbled forward off the couch. “Let me hug you before you go.”
She wrapped herself around his stomach and spoke in a baby voice as she traced her finger over his belly, “can’t wait to meet you, Lizzy.”
“Lizzy?” Ralph twisted around as Sandy grabbed her coat and walked out the door,” we don’t even know if it’s a girl.”
As the door slammed shut behind her, Ralph caught the last thing she said. “Bye, Chubby.” Shaking it off with a smirk, he waddled into their kitchen and started poking around the fridge. At first, he pretended he wasn’t going to grab the last jar of pickles, but eventually his pregnant cravings overcame him.
Sitting back down on the couch, he chuckled as Judge Gucci hurled another witty insult.
Beached on the couch with his feet up and cramming pickles into his mouth, he thought about how this whole crazy journey started.
The realization that he would be the first man to give birth baffled most of the world. Divine conception, they called it, but it wasn’t. In fact, Ralph had a Uterus located right next to his stomach his whole life but never realized it. Apparently, it was an extremely rare genetic abnormality. It was unlike any scientist across the world had ever seen.
Sandy took the situation really well in the beginning. Everything was easily explained by the fact that Ralph had a rare abnormality and most likely impregnated himself. She had many concerns about the child’s health because she figured impregnating yourself must be worse than incest. Nonetheless, Sandy stood by her man.
Sharing the news with their friends was something she hesitated to do, but eventually, it was unavoidable.
When they did share the information with their friends, they were overjoyed, and overnight Ralph became an international sensation in a subreddit about pregnant men.
Unfortunately, all of the attention seemed to go to Ralph’s head. He considered himself a modern miracle. The career that he loved was put on hold, and he started spending all his time at home to avoid the media.
Now he laid on his couch eating and watching reruns of Judge Gucci.
Hours passed, and at some point Ralph passed out. When he woke up Sandy was loudly cleaning up his empty jars and boxes of ice cream.
“Oh hey, hun.” He opened his eyes, yawning and looking at her.
“Um, so I was thinking, and I was a little aggressive earlier today.”
“Oh,” Ralph wiped the saliva off his chin. “No worries.”
Suddenly her mood shifted.
Ralph asked, “so – how was work?”
“Fine.”
“Did something happen?” Ralph asked again.
Sandy’s voice became hysterically shrill, “you’re not even going to apologize?”
Ralph’s eyes opened wide. “What did I do?”
“You never pay attention to me.”
Ralph fell back onto the couch; despite his extremely tiny bladder begging to be relieved. “I feel like I missed something.”
“See, like right now.” Sandy crossed her arms.
“Babe, come here.”
Sandy stood still. “Seriously! Okay, can you at least help me up?”
Sandy grabbed his outstretched hand and heaved him to his feet. The whaleman waddled his way down the hall and let out a gigantic sigh of relief.
“You are disgusting.”
“Darling, your hostility is suffocating our baby.”
She suddenly appeared from around the corner, briefly eyeing his shrunken willy before pointing her finger in his face. “Don’t even joke about that.”
“Okay, okay, sorry.” He stood there for a moment with his arms raised before asking, “can I wash my hands?”
“Yes, but then we need to talk about why you don’t love me anymore.”
An unexpected volcano of water began erupting from his mouth as he looked at himself in the mirror.
“Oh my God!” Sandy jumped up and down in the hallway. “Your water broke!?”
They rushed out of the house, down the driveway, and into their Volkswagen. Their front door remaining unlocked as they sped out of the neighborhood.
Squished in the backseat, Ralph was breathing hard.
“This is so inconvenient,” he shouted, “I’ll never know if that woman took money from her sister.”
“Okay, remember what we learned about our breathing.”
“I know,” he exclaimed, “long then short breathes.”
Sandy reached into the backseat and grabbed Ralph’s hand. “I’m sorry about freaking out earlier babe, I know you didn’t deserve it.”
*Huff* “It’s okay” *Huff* “I know you didn’t mean it.”
The Volkswagen tires squeaked as they sped into the hospital bay.
She ran around the car and called for a wheelchair. When an attendant came out, they hurried Ralph into the chair, and he was swiftly rolled into the maternity ward.
“How far along am I?” Ralph asked the nurse as they burst through a wide pair of swinging hospital doors.
“It’s tough to tell. We’re going to have to put you under for a c-section.”
“Okay,” he cried out, “I’m ready. Just get this baby out of me.”
That was the last thing he remembered because he passed out, and when he woke up, a crying baby was screaming in the background.
His eyes opened to an empty room, his best friend sitting in the hospital chair next to him—a tiny baby wriggling around and cradled in his arms.
“Let me see him.” Ralph reached out.
As he was handed his first child, he realized that something was unexpected. He looked over at his best friend, looked at his child, and did a double-take upon realizing that their complexions were remarkably similar.
“Ralph.” His best friend asked with tears in his eyes, “why didn’t you tell me anything before?”
Tears began streaming down their faces as Ralph cried out, “I love you Tom!”
